I look back at all the bad I have done, and it is quite the pile. But I hold no anger against myself, nor the people whom I once thought “drove” me to it. This is a feat of itself. I am saddened I have lost love, though can that truly be lost? Not on this end, that is. I will always love him, not romantically (strange how I must make that distinction), but as another human being I wish him only well, and I wish he finds happiness. The bond was sickly though, and to severe it was the best. I thank him for that. I apologize for the pain that was required on his end, though. I am saddened I lost that group of friends, but over something so trivial (loyalty, to them, is lost through sex) it was a Darwinian companion cleanse. I will find new creatures with whom I connect, not settle for those I find comfortable, sheer vicinity dictating my spiritual bonds is a thing of the past. I want to learn, and teach, thus collaborative growth shall blossom.
First, I shall cultivate my own mind. Learn to love myself, foster that which makes my soul sing. I will explore, write, practice yoga, meditate, create sacristy in place and self, and learn. I will find joy, I will hold love.
“The hallucination of separateness prevents one from seeing that to cherish the ego is to cherish misery. We do not realize that our so-called love and concern for the individual is simply the other face of our own fear of death or rejection. In his exaggerated valuation of separate identity, the personal ego is sawing off the branch on which he is sitting, and then getting more and more anxious about the coming crash!”—Alan Watts on your ego, the universe, and how to become who you really are (via explore-blog)